Day 1: The (re)education begins

The federal grant did not come through. The rest of the team thinks we should resubmit, but that will take another year's waiting. Most of them have salaries as academics; they can wait.

I can't.

I left the ivory tower eight years ago and had six great years as a private consultant. Half of those years were even six figure incomes. It's great, meaningful work, trying to find new ways to improve education through research with schools and academia. But "meaningful" doesn't pay the mortgage when the contracts start drying up, and last year was the Sahara. Net income: 11,657.63.

So this three year, 2 million dollar federal grant proposal that would employ me full time was my "stay in business or change your life" test. After more than 8 months of waiting, word came on Monday: We didn't get the grant. Even if we do resubmit, I need to change my life for the coming year at least. Support my kids. The scary thing is that I'm not actually qualified to do anything else! A Ph.D. in psychology only counts if you're a clinical psychologist. I got a letter from the state board of psychologists telling me that Florida law says I can't even call myself a "psychologist" because I'm not licensed. It's looking very much as though a degree in cognitive psychology won't get me a job anywhere outside a university. To be licensed I would have to complete another whole degree program in counseling or school psychology.

No thanks, I've had enough of graduate school. I've had enough of university employment too: that's why I left eight years ago.

So here's the challenge: if I'm supposedly an expert in education, can I educate myself to get hired and be successful as a fine-dining waitress, making up to $2,000 a week - or so the internet claims? How long will it take? Will it work? Outside of academics my sum total of work experience is two summers of waitressing during college and grad school. Now I'm in my forties, not my twenties. I love fine dining restaurants - and used to be able to afford them. I have great respect for professional wait staff. I know there's a lot of art and skill to the job that I don't have. Can I really learn enough from the internet to transform myself into the ultimate waitress?

Let's find out. I've got enough in savings to last 3, 4 months, more if I don't pay the mortgage for a bit. With the housing crisis the bank likely won't even notice. Time to consult the almighty Google....